The Tourist's Prayer

Heavenly Father, look down on your most humble obedient tourist servants who are deemed to travel this earth, taking photographs, mailing postcards, buying souvenirs, and walking around in drip-dry underwear.

We beseech you Lord to see that our coach is not hijacked, our luggage is not lost and our overweight luggage goes unnoticed. Protect us from surly and unscrupulous taxi drivers, avaricious porters.

Give us this day divine guidance in the selection of our hotels that we may find our reservations honoured, our rooms made up and ready, and hot water running from the taps.

We pray that the telephones work and that the operators speak our tongue and that there is no mail waiting from our children which would force us to cancel the rest of our trip.

Lead us, dear lord, to good inexpensive restaurants where the food is superb, the waiters friendly and the wine included in the price of the meal. Give us the wisdom to tip correctly in currencies we do not understand. Forgive us for undertipping out of ignorance and overtipping out of fear. Make the natives love us for what we are and not for what we can contribute to their worldly goods.

Grant us the strength to visit the museums, cathedrals, palaces and the castles listed as "Musts" in the guide books. And if perchance we skip an historic monument to take a nap after lunch, have mercy on us for our flesh is weak.

"This part of the prayer for husbands"
Dear God, keep our wives from shopping sprees and protect them from "bargains" they don't need or can't afford. Lead them not into temptation for they know not what they do.

"This part of the prayer for wives"
Almighty father, keep our husbands from looking at foreign women and comparing them to us. Save them from making fools or themselves in cafes and night clubs. Above all "do not forgive" them their trespasses, For they know "Exactly" what they do.

"Together"
And when our voyage is over and we return to our loved ones, grant us the favour of finding someone who will look at our home videos and listen to our stories, so our lives as tourists will not have been in vain. This we ask you in the name of American Express - Thomas Cook - Globus - Brendan Tours - Cosmos - AMEN.